In many Filipino homes, we avoid talking about sex like it is a plague. Sex education does not really happen because it is considered taboo to discuss anything surrounding the nitty gritty of human sexuality and reproductive health. Often, parents worry that having an open conversation about sex and reproductive health will give the wrong ideas to their children when in fact, by delaying or avoiding sex education all together, children are more likely to obtain inaccurate information from outside sources and formulate their own conclusions that could be more detrimental than if parents have educated them in the first place about what to know, what to do, what to expect, and what to avoid.
When parents make it a habit of openly discussing topics surrounding human sexuality and reproductive health, children and adolescents are more likely to make healthy and safe choices about their bodies, physical relationships, and sexual activities. They are much more attuned to creating and maintaining healthy boundaries. In fact, having sex education early on has shown to reduce the risk of teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (Breuner & Mattson, 2016).
If you want your children to grow up having healthy understanding of sex and reproductive health, being comfortable with their body and human sexuality, and establishing proper and healthy physical boundaries, don’t make talking about it a taboo. Don’t demonize it, don’t make talking about sex and sexuality a sin. If they start to be curious, talk to them about it like you would when you explain how to cook adobo. Refrain from giving negative labels to discussions surrounding sex and sexuality such as “bastos” (pervert), “pang matanda lang yang usapan na yan” (it’s a topic fit for adults only), or “kadiri” (gross).
There are couples who are so ill-prepared for intimacy that their first sexual experience after marriage is physically and emotionally traumatic and damaging. Some even avoid it altogether leading to physical intimacy problems because they experience so much shame about their body and sexual expression because growing up, they have been taught that any discussion surrounding sex is “masama” (evil).
We are all sexual beings, naturally our children are! Sexuality is not something that just magically happens once children become adults. Lay the foundation early on with conversations about bodies, puberty, sexual feelings, sexual orientations, etc. As children continue to grow, keep the conversation open. Make it a continuous discussion, it is not a one-time event.
Set your children up for successful future healthy sexual relationships by keeping the conversation open. Provide them with information that are developmentally appropriate for their age. This blog (https://www.heysigmund.com/kid-needs-know-age-age-guide-sex-education/) has provided a great age by age guide to sex education. For example, for toddlers, teach them correct anatomical terms and talk about differences and similarities in relation to your own body. This is also a good stage to discuss physical boundaries and consent—who can touch their bodies, who can/can’t see them naked, appropriate/inappropriate places to be without clothing, etc. Teaching children at an early age about ownership of their bodies and consent can also help prevent child abuse. Teach them that no one owns their body but them.
One thing I usually observe with Filipinos when there are social gatherings, parents would force their children to do the “mano po” (greeting usually done by youngters to their elders by bringing the back of the hand of the elder to the youngster’s forehead while uttering “mano po” as a respectful gesture) or “beso” (kiss on the cheek) to their kins and if their child refuses, mom/dad will “saway” (reprimand) the kid, “Ano ka ba naman, pinapahiya mo ako ayaw mo man lang i-beso si Tita/Tito” (You’re embarrassing me, you couldn’t even give your Aunt/Uncle a kiss) or “Mamaya sabihin nila hindi kita tinuturuang maging magalang sa nakatatanda, hindi ka marunong mag mano” (I’ll be accused of not teaching you how to properly respect your elders because you don’t even know how to make the “mano”).
If you are a parent and have a habit of forcing your children to hug anyone or require them to do the “mano po”, I want you to STOP that behavior now! Of course, I’m not saying don’t teach your children to be respectful, but forcing them to do something with their body (hugging, touching another person) is teaching your children that adults own their bodies and they (children) do not have a say about it; you are teaching your children that they cannot make decisions for their own bodies and adults have the control over what they can and can’t do with their bodies. This can lead to being easily manipulated by sexual predators who prey on the children’s innocence. I cannot emphasize this enough; your children own their body not you. I am begging you to not take lightly the importance of teaching your children to understand the concept of consent at an early age.
They have the right to say who can touch their bodies, who can hug them, who they can touch/hug, and that they have the right to say “NO” when they do not feel comfortable with someone who wants to hug/touch them even if they are family members or mom’s or dad’s friends. Another is to teach your children that we do not keep secrets about their bodies and that they can always tell you anything that makes them feel uncomfortable. Perpetrators will usually use this tactic with children, that it is their “little secret” so they must not tell anyone. Emphasize that secrets are only for presents and surprises but never about their bodies. Bear in mind that most perpetrators are not strangers, they are usually those whom the children are familiar with, so it is important that your communication with your children about their bodies and consent are open and on-going.
Be vigilant, be watchful, and ask your children about their activities surrounding their bodies on a regular basis. If your gut feeling tells you something is wrong, do not ignore. Some warning signs to watch out for are sudden behavior changes. For example, your toddler who has been potty-trained all of sudden is wetting their bed again, touching their privates, role playing sexual acts and knowing too much about sexual topics that are beyond age appropriate, have unexplained bruising on their bodies especially the genitalia, aversion to taking baths and reluctance to remove clothing to change, have suddenly become too aggressive or too compliant, being too fearful, complains about stomach pains and headaches that are not explained by other causes, changes in eating habits, fear of being left alone and having nightmares, keeping secrets, and for older children also includes decrease in interest, hobbies, and social activities (school, friends), poor self-image, and self-harming behaviors. If you notice your child is suddenly fearful of or doesn’t want to be left alone with someone (e.g., babysitter, uncle, aunt, grandpa, cousin, etc.) who they used to be comfortable with, find out why. If your child shies away from doing a “mano po” with a relative, ask him/her why and honor their answer and respect their decision.
As parents, we worry about our children’s well-being on a daily basis and there is no guarantee no harm will come upon them, but we can take precautionary measures to protect them. Train your children to advocate for themselves, to speak up, to not be afraid of reporting to you, unusual behaviors of adults around them, and to say NO if they are being asked to do/say anything that are uncomfortable. It is our responsibility as adults to increase the protective barriers around our children. Create a safe environment in your home where your children can talk to you about topics surrounding their bodies and human sexuality without fear and shame. Be the kind of parents that your children can talk to about anything because they trust you.
