On Toxic Positivity and Getting a Handle on Your Emotions
Ever heard of toxic positivity? It is a real thing. It is this excessive projection and overgeneralization of positive outlook in every situation to avoid the negativity that it ends up counteracting what it meant to remedy in the first place. Have you ever gone to someone and try to share your feelings, your worries; you start talking about a difficult situation you are currently in hoping you will hear validation but instead are met with indifference and a knee-jerk reaction to try to counter the “negative vibe” and provide responses like:
“Kaya mo yan, positive ka lang (You can do it, be positive only)”
“Failure is not an option”
“Di pwedeng negative, walang magandang magagawa yan sa’yo (Can’t be negative, nothing good will come out of it)”
“Think of happy thoughts lang, magiging ok ka rin (Just think of happy thoughts, you’re gonna be ok)”
“Bawal ang nega, good vibes lang tayo (Negative is not allowed, good vibes only here)”
“Try and try until you succeed”
“Ako nga nakaya ko eh, ikaw pa kaya, kakayanin mo rin yan (If I could do it, how much more for you, you can do it to)”.
“Buti nga hindi ganun kalala eh (It could be worse)”.
“Si Nena nga hindi bumitiw eh, ganun ka rin dapat (Nena didn’t give up, you must too)”.
“Basahin mo yung (just read)—proceeds to list self-help books—, gawin mo lang yung suggestions dun,
magiging ok ka (just do as suggested there, you’ll be ok)”.
“Kailangan mo lang ng dasal at magbasa ng bible” (“All you need is prayer and read the Bible”.)
There is nothing wrong with words of encouragement when given in the right dosage and in the right situations, or when the other person actively solicits it. But when done in excess, it runs the risk of invalidating what the other person is going through. The idea and expectation of needing to be positive can become daunting and can instead lead to more feelings of negativity.
When you are expected to be positive, you get into this fixed mindset of “needing” to be positive and so you try despite all those inner turmoil of emotions you may be going through—you push all those away because you see, “Kailangan kong maging positive! (I need to be positive!)”. But those emotions (all those inner turmoil) keep popping up and when they do, you chastise yourself because you now think you have failed at being positive. You question yourself whether you can actually be positive.
Self-doubt creeps in which could lead to self-loathing because you think you are just not cut for it; you are just a negative person, period! Then you start comparing yourself to others who seem to have a handle on positivity and the more you do, the little and incapable you feel! Remember cognitive distortions? Yes, this is where all of those should-ings, emotional reasonings, all-or-nothing thinking, and all other distortions are abundantly playing in your head.
“I should be more positive”.
“I should be not so negative”.
“I can’t be such a morose person or else no one will like me”
“I can never get myself to think and act positively, I must just be really born a pessimist”
“I can never change my outlook, I am doomed”.
“Why can’t I be like Nena who always has a positive outlook on life?”
“People don’t like me because I’m glum”.
“I can’t cry about it, I should just suck it up or else people will think I’m too dramatic”,
“I can’t be jealous, it’s a negative emotion and I should never have that kind of emotion, it’s a sin”.
“I must pass my exam or else I’m a total failure in everyone’s eyes”.
“I need to be the best I can be, otherwise I can’t show my face to my family”.
“I cannot afford to lose this job, relationship, education, etc. or else I am done for life”.
“I must make this sale; everything depends on it”.
“Failure is not my option”.
When the pressure to be positive is too high you try to suppress emotions that make you uncomfortable. The more you suppress these emotions, the more they try to clamor for your attention. And when you do not pay attention, in your attempt to “be positive”, these emotions will continue to just fester inside you because it is not processed accordingly. They will all come crashing down on you at some point driving you into emotional dysregulation, and worst, into giving up—accepting defeat, i.e., letting your emotions take control of your life; driving your state of shame and guilt deeper into depression, anxiety, and all manner of mental health deterioration.
On the contrary, there is a better way to handle emotions and accepting that not everyone is cut out to be positive all the time—in fact, there is not one person in the world who is happy and positive every waking moment of their life. Our human existence is designed to feel all different kinds of emotions. In fact, there really is not a “negative” or “positive” emotion. We label emotions as either negative or positive because of how it makes us feel, e.g., anger in general, makes our heart race and our muscles tensed up which makes it uncomfortable. Therefore, it is negative whereas happiness makes our heart flutter in a good way and our muscles relaxed which makes it comfortable and feels good, therefore it is positive.
Emotions are emotions, positive or negative; each serves a purpose. We need it for survival. We need it to motivate us to action, to influence and communicate with others, and to communicate to ourselves (Linehan, 2015). Learn to accept that not every emotion is going to make us feel comfortable (positive); when that happens, it is ok.
It is ok to feel discouraged when you fail at something because it means you are trying. It is ok to feel frustrated, angry, or exasperated when the time calls for it because it means there are crucial conversations to be had, changes to be made, and boundaries to be affirmed. It is ok to feel disgusted at something because it means you are aware of your likes and dislikes. It is ok to feel dejected because it means there are improvements and goals to be achieved. It is ok to feel sad, or unhappy because it means you are a feeling, breathing, a human being who can mourn and grieve your loss. It is ok to not be positive all the time; we are simply not designed to be that way.
